May came and the fog rolled in

 

My inner being is just like the fog that just rolled in outside.

The fog covers both the ocean and the mountains.  It is dense, just like the fog inside of me and it is hanging over both my heart and soul.  Ready to lift.  Ready to shift.

Outside in nature, the fog burns off over the ocean in the afternoon.  I need to do a similar thing with my own inner fog, my fog that diminishes my clarity over life.

My inner core is one big fog of emotions.

Some feelings are welcome.  These feelings I embrace full on.

Other emotions that exist inside of me are unwanted.  The unwanted ones, I just try to push away.  I do not want to feel, think, or even experience them.

So what do I do when my unwanted feelings start to rise inside of me?  They arise like a hot burning volcano ready to burst.  I cannot let all that anger, frustration and sadness come out.

Not now.  Not yet.

So I move … just like the fog outdoors is constantly drifting, so am I.  I need to be in motion … so I run, walk, lift weights and do yoga.  Sometimes I even dance by myself.  To let the body feel the rhythm in my veins, and let the lyrics both soothe and strengthen my soul.

I need to heal.  I need to be strong.  Inside and out.

We all have been in situations that we wished never happened, and I was just recently in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I cannot change what happened.  The only thing today that I can change and that I have power over, is how I deal with the aftermath.  The aftermath of the situation that I was involuntary in and could not avoid for my life.

I never had a chance to say no.  I was never asked, and I never had a chance to run away.

Now when I am safe, I cannot sit and feel these unwanted feelings.  Me, who always have said: “Do not avoid your emotions, sit with them and accept them.”  I am the one who now is running away from them.  Or am I perhaps running with them?  Maybe what I am doing is a healthy outlet to be able to process the unwanted situation over time.  Maybe.

Because if I sit with the memory and the feelings that come with reliving  the event, I think that I will fall apart.

I do not want the unwanted situation to have that power over me.  I want to have power over myself.

So by moving my body I more and more believe that I am having a healthy outlet for all my emotions.  I am actually not avoiding my feelings.  They are with me every step of the way.

There is nothing wrong with shifting focus on your emotions and experiencing different feeelings.  It is what we do with them that matters.

By moving my body more, I am giving myself a gift.  My brain gets more oxygen, my blood shifts to all my organs and flows easier through my veins.

With every step that I take, I can feel that the fog is slightly lifting from my heart.

One day I know I will have run out out from the fog inside of me.

One day, rays of sunshine from acceptance and love will burn my inner fog away.

One day I will see clearly again, the day that the dense fog has burned off all of its heaviness.

Once the fog has moved away from me, I will not feel lost anymore.

Until then, I will continue to do what I can in this moment.

To put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

I could not run then, but I can now.

So I will.

Run, run – run,

faster into the sun.

 

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